So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
