Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
