Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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