Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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