Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
