you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
