It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
