and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
