I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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