Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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