Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
