I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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