the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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