I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
