the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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