Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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