one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm too high and old for this...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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