I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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