John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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