Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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