chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
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