I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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