This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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