Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We got so high we made milksteak
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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