my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
