Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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