i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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