just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
