apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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