dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
