There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
