just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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