Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
