So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
