Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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