He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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