I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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