saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
