You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
