I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
