I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
