Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I looked at my own cervix.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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