Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Randomize
