Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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