My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
