Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
