i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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