life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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