I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
