Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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