someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
